okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
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Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop