My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
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I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true