I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
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Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.