i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
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Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.