(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
You Might Also Like
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
For the orator and chef in all of us
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.