[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
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Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.