A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
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[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Found the job I’m suited for
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math