ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
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So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.