I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
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Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.