My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
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[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.