All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
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Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I think about this a lot
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Last-minute gift idea!
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.