The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
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Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia