It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
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When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.