Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
You Might Also Like
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
crochet youtube is brutal
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I am yelling
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.