Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
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* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
the composer
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.