i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
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Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?