Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
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The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
lmfao come on
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
That’s easy for you to say
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*