Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
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Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Me driving through Toronto
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.