jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
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Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.