Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
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drew a comic about my origin story
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.