Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
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And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.