Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
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My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
my mind
You just read my mind
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”