Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
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Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
The Wolf of Wall Street.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*