Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
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[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Dolls on drugs
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.