For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
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Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”