Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
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Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.