Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
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I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?