First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
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if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
This is the best one I’ve seen
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”