I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
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I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.