this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
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Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
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Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.