If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
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My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”