Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
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Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Come back with a warrant
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually