Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
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Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Happy Thanksgiving
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
March 16
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.