gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
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If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Some people were born into their job.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango