My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing