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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.