Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
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As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Perfect.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch