[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
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By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Growing out my freckles.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Become ungovernable.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds