Said the murderer.
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Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
just witnessed a drug deal
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never