“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
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(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
You are not alone 💚
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee