Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
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Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time