omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
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(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Oops 🤭
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.