I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
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[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
a fate I wish upon no one
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I’m not proud
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”