About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
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Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
This 4th of July, please remember…
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”