*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
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Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
How can I say no to this ?
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
The more things change, the more they stay the same.