Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
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Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.