Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
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“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit