Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
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*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”