Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
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My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day