girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
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Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Barbie gone wild
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.